Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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