Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
