I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I would ride that face into the sunset
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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