I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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