How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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