Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
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the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.