no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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