you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
