don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
