Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
