drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
