Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
