Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
