I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
