Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
