so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
