in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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