no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
