Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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