FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
