thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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