So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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