I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
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Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream