whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
