i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
