wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
