i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
