I wannas sexs uuuuu
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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