god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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