My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
