I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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