Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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