who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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