I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
