she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
