hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
