I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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