Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
