I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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