adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
