her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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