They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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