Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
