Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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