I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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