I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize