cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
