Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
