before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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