You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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