so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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