Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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