He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
